Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
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I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.