I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
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Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote