{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
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In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
this is the news I live for
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy