Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
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Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?