I have two kinds of followers
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*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
i’m sure it’s fine
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.