*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
You Might Also Like
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
My first son he is wonderful
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Cool shirt 🙂
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
Anyone want a chair?
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof