If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
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You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.