computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
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Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.