Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
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Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box