“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
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You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.