Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
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“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?