My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
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This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
If looks could kill
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
I’m literally crying