DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
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I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.