BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
You Might Also Like
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.