Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
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Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Danger is very dangerous
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.