As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
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VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
felt cute might bury dad later idk