“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
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Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole