Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
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The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Lmao the reply
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP