Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
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[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.