Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
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So the ex texted me
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Mornin. * use accordingly
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.