“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
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Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI