the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
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At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food