[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
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Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Is this you?
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour