When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
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worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”