People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
You Might Also Like
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.