People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
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ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.