AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
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Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
m’lady
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
i- i did not expect this
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.