Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
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I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]