Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
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This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*