I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
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We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
What?!?
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
I hope Alan is OK
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*