*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
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No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.