I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
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Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.