Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
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I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
me refusing to leave twitter
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
happy friday
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.