I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
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[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
me: *drops banger tweet
them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers
me: *drops another tweet
them: oh, I see
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed