Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
You Might Also Like
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.