6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
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TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.