Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
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FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.