Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
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Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
What if all the cashiers are married?
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
step 6: release the wall snake
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..