*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
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cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.