Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
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*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”