Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
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“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
How your email finds me
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????