[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
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The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.