My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
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When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day