Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
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i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Get off my horse you stupid moon
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.