Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
You Might Also Like
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Why I divorced her.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.