daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
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I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.