*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
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I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
constantly working on myself.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
no one likes gloating
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.