I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
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BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
I’m about to risk it all
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Perfect.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.