What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
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Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.