Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
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what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
how to exercise your calf muscles
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley